Reviewing movies AFTER you’ve seen them is easy. “Hey, look at me, I’m going to base my opinions of this movie on scenes I saw.” Yeah well fuck you, Ebert. I’m sorry, this got real awkward fast. That’s why us here at Punchland are reviewing movies “Sight Unseen”. Which is reviewing movies before seeing them, and basing our opinions on commercials and…a lot of guessing. Ok, these reviews are 90% guessing. Enjoy
It’s about time Katy Perry made a movie! She’s been wasting her talents for too long in my dreams, I mean music videos. She also has a huge fanbase, and most of her fans will see anything she makes. “Katy Perry Part of Me” will probably make a decent amount of money this weekend despite the opening of the new Spiderman movie. It also has a 75% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, which is higher than “The Amazing Spiderman’s” 72%. Just think about that for a minute. Ok, and now that you’re done being upset with our society as a whole let’s continue. The movie is a mix between a documentary of Katy Perry’s “real life” and a concert extravaganza, that for some reason involves a lot of candy, and candy paraphernalia. Candy paraphernlia consists of lollipop boobs, candy cane legs, and Starburst nipples. The last one may have just been in my head, but I’m pretty sure Katy Perry tastes exactly like Strawberry Starbursts
I have a feeling this movie is a lot like Justin Bieber’s movie, “Never Say Never”, and luckily for all of you I saw that movie “as research” last year in the theaters. Because…I knew this Katy Perry movie was going to come out, and that I would write a review on it without seeing it. Stop asking questions. [Insert Segway] And just like Canada’s favorite singer (Justin Bieber) her showmanship during the concert portions of the movie looks great. Katy Perrry is a great performer, and if her music wasn’t complete shit (except for “Firework”) I’m sure I would appreciate it. Her fans who love everything she does will love the concert portions of the movie. Old skeezballs that like women covered in sexy tootsie rolls will also like the concerts scenes.
It looks like her performance throughout the documentary portions are phenomenal as well. Because there is no way a celebrity with as strong a brand as Katy Perry would show anything unplanned, and any emotional scenes have to be as well scripted as her songs. Scenes where she stresses over the divorce with Russsell Brand, and moments where she’s just “too tired” while based in reality, are not real. I don’t want to sound too harsh, but there are too many people invested in her for there to be an actual documentary. Remember, she’s a Pop Star, not an Emperor Penguin.
So in summation, if you’re already a fan of Katy Perry you’ve already seen the movie. If you’re not a fan of hers you’re not going to see the movie (and you probably haven’t read this review). And if you were somehow on the fence about seeing the movie, do what your heart says, and just “Be Yourself”! And in case you didn’t already know “Be Yourself” is the tagline to the movie. Fuck me, I feel like I’ve just wasted a lot of time.
